So what’s new with me? Well, this summer is it. The final chance. The last hope I have of securing a social foothold ready for year 13. That doesn’t need to be piss-ups and parties and random stupidity. But it does involve pushing myself and kind of forcing myself into the right situations at the right times.

After hearing some odd comments and some wayward ideas, I’ve decided to be more sociable. Talk to people. Show you care. The only three people I know who actually seem to care about anyone and everyone they meet is Jill Fellows and Ally Watson. Jill talks to everyone she meets, even if she just bumps into them on the street. She has a heart of gold and is amazing to be around. Ally is a conversationalist. He talks to everyone, he cares about what they say, and that’s rare to see in someone our age. Like it was said in assembly, I have seen a quality in those two people that I admire and now I need to implement it into my own life. Simples.

In other news, I am hoping to enter a script writing competition for a one-act play. I sincerely hope I do well as I think my idea is so unique. I may annoy some people in asking for advice or assistance on certain aspects of the writing process, but hopefully it’ll all come together. I may organise a read-through at some point to see if it flows properly. Who knows.

So that’s me, life and my musings. Time for a singing lesson. Please subscribe to this blog in order to receive email updates every time I post.

So thanks for reading

Loving the A2 drama course, O.C’s.G. Is such a good play. Absolutely love it. And from all the reading in class, Liz Morden will always be played by Lindsey in my mind. Really looking forward to the A2 practical pieces as well, I have a few ideas on who I’d like to work with, but I’m thinking way too far into the future again.

English looks really interesting, physics looks like a manageable mess. GPR should be great, if I can find a topic to actually write about. If anyone reading this can think of a controversial drama based issue, I will love you forever if you let me know.

Went to see “ditch” on saturday, and had an amazing day. The performance was amazing and the ending – simply brilliant. It’s no longer playing at the old vic, but I do recommend keeping an eye out for it, certainly worth a look.

So here we are, hot, busy and excited. Thanks for reading

Now into seriousness.  I am teaching myself 3D modelling in the hopes of getting good enough to do concept art for books, films, random enjoyment.  I think I’m doing pretty well, that’s a rather convincing pumpkin.  This is the fourth model I have come up with.  One looked crap and the other two look generally ok.  I textured them and you’ll find them below.

So yeah, that’s what I’m up to right now.  I realise the gingerbread man is a little over the top texture wise, but it was a first attempt at applying texture.  So anyway, thanks for reading and looking at pictures

So there we have an exceptionally short update on how the annoying post-exam, pre-year-13 period is going.  Thanks for reading

I’m looking back and regretting some things that I know, I don’t really regret, I just miss the feeling. The emotion. But just because I realise this, it doesn’t make it any better for me. Looking forward to starting year 13 so I can take my mind off all this crap.

Looking forward to uni, either cardiff or aberystwyth. Hopefully cardiff, but that’s a foolish hope. No way am I good enough for the Royal Welsh College of Music and Drama yet. Maybe in a few years time.

Welsh is moving along slowly. Ond dw i’n siarad Cymraeg yn weddol nawr, neu dw i’n meddwl dw i’n gwneud. Ah well, the only way now is forward. I’ll get on the stage one day, and maybe the silver screen. Either way, acting is my life now. No doubt about it.

Thanks for reading

On another note: trying to get my mind in order.  Learning welsh, writing scripts, singing songs, reading plays, music, fitness, hypnosis.  I have so much to do and I’m trying to get it in order now.  Hopefully soon it will be.

Thanks for reading, however short it’s been

People pass me by when I’m alone, I am nothing when I am alone. I am quiet, shy, empty. I become what I was before I came here and learnt to hide it. Is that good, bad, indifferent? I don’t know.

Possibly the hardest thing for me to get my head around is my social communication disorder. With girls, its not so bad, but with men? I have never had a true heart-to-heart with a man. Never. So I never get close to guys, so I’m alone. And I’ll be alone for as long as it takes me to get past this. And right now, it feels like it will be forever.

Thanks for reading

Still moving on. First exam today, GPR. I feel like I want to stab whoever came up with that damn subject. Drama exam tomorrow, hopefully with my awesome notes that I spent ages on. Paying for my trip today to go and see “Ditch” at the old vic. Well, in the tunnels of the old vic.

Me and charlotte had a good conversation last night. I asked her, quite simply, if she could choose any song to describe how she is NOW and then any song to describe how she wants to be, what would they be? I won’t give hers away, that’s cruel.

Mine, however, were “I’d lie” by taylor swift for how I am now. This is because I know what it’s like to desperately want something that you know is completely out of your grasp, and yet you still want to try. And for how I want to be: “Beautiful” by Christina Aguilera. Because I want to be comfortable with myself, no matter what other people, or indeed myself, say. Maybe one day.

So, comment me with your two songs and let me know why you chose them. I’m really interested in seeing how people respond.

Thanks for reading

I guess that thought has made me loop back round to the “am I good enough?” question. Once again, wondering if I’m actually good enough to make it as a legitimate actor in this cut-throat business. God I hope so. So much. I mean, I know everyone says “don’t put all your eggs in one basket” but what if you only have one basket in which to place your eggs? What if there’s nothing else in the whole world that I want to do, if that fails on me I don’t know what I’d do.

I hate these thoughts, they make me want to change paths, take the easy route through it all and hope to god it’s not too late. The rational saboteur within my mind. But I’m going to keep going, because I can never stop. And I will not give up before I’ve even tried.

And maybe I am being too ambitious, maybe I’m not good enough to make it. Maybe it will all fall out underneath me at the last hurdle. Maybe I can NEVER make it. But maybe, just maybe, there’s a place for me on the stage of the world sometime in the future. A dressing room waiting to have my name. A place in history for my name. Maybe…

Thanks for reading

Enter the room, bassline pumping
Eyes jump about, heart starts thumping
No faces stand out from the heaving crowd
I freeze, just to scream my silence aloud
No comfort there to steal me away
Nothing to stop this social decay

So many people, laughter and beers
Inside: chained by my own stupid fears
I try to join in with the drink and the smiles
But only seem to find more social trials
I can’t find the way to break down this wall
Become one of “them” and succumb to the thrall

But with every brick that i finally pull down
The fear floods in and in it I drown
Trying to breathe in these situations
Every word bringing more complications
The smiles and the laughter, beer and wine
push me inside of this facade that is mine

Getting to know you, my ultimate task
Try to relax, slowly lower my mask
An uneasy smile, that first timid line
Looking right at you for some kind of sign
That tells me you like me, and want to hear more
that pulls me into the world I long for…